Confessio Amantis
by Passive
Summary: AU. Set in 1959, in a boarding school where fate brings together a student who is trying to find a meaning in life and a teacher who is trying to take revenge on a past forgotten. Violence, Drama, war themes and Slash. Yuki X Shuichi
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Gravitation.

**Author's Note**: Hello, there, my dear readers. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. The first chapter is slow, I know, but bear with me; it's just the introduction; it'll get fun pretty soon.

On a side note, please be kind enough to point out any kind of mistakes you find in the story.

**Warning**: This story will deal with dark themes later on. Violence, explicit sex scenes, sadomasochism, pain and blood. It's rated M for a reason, people! It's also slash. Beware!

**SUMMERY**: AU. Set in 1959, in a boarding school where fate brings together a student who is trying to find a meaning in life and a teacher who is trying to take revenge on a past forgotten. Violence, Drama, war themes and Slash. Yuki X Shuichi

* * *

**Chapter One**

After one week of staying in Tokyo's Prep Boarding School, I was almost certain that I did not belong here, which wasn't a surprise, really, considering I had never planned to come to such a fancy school in the first place.

My life story is a boring one. I grew up back in the South where the air is much warmer and the sun is much brighter; there are endless farms and farmhouses and you wake up with the sunrise and learn how to saddle a horse before you learn how to write; the smell of rice is intoxicating and the trees dance with the music of the wind.

Back there the days are longer and the water is cleaner. Your best friends are your cats and dogs, and best of all, there is no worry; not the way it is here. You don't have to worry about the future the way you worry about it here, as if you can never reach in time; as if you're always one step behind. Back in our Farm, time stands still forever.

The story of my parents is even more boring: Famer boy met city girl; they fell in love; city girl ran away and got married to the guy who didn't have a penny in his pockets, realized she had made a mistake sixteen years later and ran back to her daddy with two kids and shed some theatrical tears; Daddy decided to set everything right, found a _gentleman_ for the girl; the rich guy decided to send the lady's little girl to his own mommy and daddy and the boy to a boarding school to have some time with Mommy to do all sorts of naughty things. Mommy doesn't have anything of her own; doesn't have the power to say no.

And hence I'm here. Everything feels different in this place. The school is really huge. It's a few miles out of the city where you can't here the roars of the cars and the footsteps of people, thank God, but it's close enough to feel like it belongs to Tokyo, and God knows how much I hate this damned city.

It's all about factories and cars; it's all about fancy suits and high heels, cigars, theatres and rock 'n roll and I feel it's sucking my soul dry. These people with their polished shoes and crazy manners are stealing away my humanity, all dignity that is left of me.

I sit at the small lake in the school area. Fall is here already and I miss home. I miss dad and Maiko, my poor little sister. I even miss my Mom; it's not like she could do anything about this. Kano, my _dearest_ stepfather decided that he didn't want me around and that was that. All the better, I guess. I wasn't that fond of him either, to tell you the truth.

Lunch time is almost over; I search for my schedule in my bag and find it crumbled at the bottom of it, shows how much I care.

Latin, Algebra, history.

Awesome.

I lie on the grass, close my eyes and feel the damp earth feeling cold against my white shirt. I ignore the few biting remarks that come my way from a group of classmates passing by.

"Missing your caws, farmer boy?"

I must have an aura of a village boy around me or something; the moment I stepped foot in this forsaken place, they knew I wasn't one of them. These crazy people, they all stick together _all the time_, as if it's an advantage to be so artificial. Sometimes I wonder if they have ever lived at all.

The bell rings, the sound a cacophony in the afternoon silence, and I walk back to the old building. The man standing at the doorway is the mathematics teacher, one of those old, ugly guys whose sound is like nails scratching on a blackboard, a very unpleasant noise indeed, and he looks at my shirt in a very displeased manner. Yeah, yeah, it's not ironed, I get it. It's not m fault, really. The guy living next my and Fujisaki's room, an asshole in the true definition of the word, hid my iron; thought it was a splendid joke, Stupid asshole.

Oh, don't get me started on the stupid dorms and the other guys. These boys are worse than the devil himself, I swear. They hate each other with such a vengeance that it's almost frightening. You wouldn't believe it if you saw them though. At each others' face, they're like "Oh, Sakuma, how are you in this beautiful morning?" And "I'm fantastic. Fancy seeing you here! You just made my day!" But they backbite and betray and lie to each other and everything; it's insane!

I walk past the classes to reach 203. I know I'm late, but I don't bother to run or anything. I just can't bother to care for the classes, especially Latin; stupid, stupid lesson. You just have to sit on stiff, wooden chairs all days and repeat stupid words in a monotonous tone; can't get any more boring, I swear.

One of the guys in the twelfth grade, a representative or something I guess, catches me wandering in the highway and screams until he becomes blue in the face. I smile at him and he gets angrier, writes my name in a small notebook and orders m to get to the class. These people take life too seriously sometimes. I shrug and walk toward my class.

I don't know how the system works in here, but by the time you get to the last grade, you have turned to a real pain in the ass. I guess they inflict so much pain on you that by then you inevitably want to take it out on anything and everything around you.

I reach the class at last; I can clearly the teacher's voice from behind the door. I take a deep breathe, adjust my disheveled shirt and knock. There is a terrible silence at first, and then the door opens with a painful scratch.

"Shindou! You're late!"

His eyebrows are hidden in his white hair out of shock. Being late here isn't very customary, I suppose. Well, that can't be good.

"Detention! And why are you looking at me like that? Get in the class!"

I give him a sheepish smile and walk in. I try to walk fast, but one guy's long leg suddenly appears and I stumble toward the last row and the room explodes with laugher. Oh please, this is so not funny anymore.

I sit at the last raw, alone as usual, and take out my book, getting ready for another two hours of learning nothing.

* * *

I hate the study room, and I try to avoid it as much as possible, but there are not many places to go for the ninth graders and my room is so stifling, especially when Fujisaki is in it. Now don't get me wrong; he's not a bad guy or anything, but he doesn't talk to me _at all_. Everybody around here behaves like that, to tell you the truth. It's like they have so many secrets, they're afraid to spill them all out once they start talking, and I feel so lonely.

Everybody's studying something, but I can't make myself open the book in front of me. What's the point in memorizing all these things anyway? Nobody ever bothers to explain anything anymore. The room is so silent that every movement echoes in the place, and I feel like pulling my hair out. I start to hum a melody low under my breath, a melody I used to play for Maiko when I was younger and I receive deathly glares from every forsaken direction. All right, people! Loosen up!

I leave the study room as noisily as I can and start to walk back toward my room. Fujisaki might not be the coolest guy for a roommate, but at least he almost doesn't exist.

I keep humming the melody when I hear noises coming from outside the building. Now that's weird, considering you're not supposed to leave the building after eight PM. I carefully walk past the School Parent's room, and ironical name if you ask me, considering the old fool resembles nothing of a parent, and get out of the building.

That's when I see the circle of people next to the lake I earlier told you about, and I hear them cheering somebody on. I walk up a small hill, careful not to be seen, and I try to figure faces out as I wipe the dust of my knees, and there's Aizawa, a twelfth grader and the head of the students and there are two other students in the middle. One of them, I guess the one being cheered on, is holding his hands up in victory and another one is slowly crawling out of the circle with a bloody nose and a torn shirt.

I watch the scene with my jaw dropped. I mean, come on! What's wrong with all these people? They're all polite and civil in the morning and beat each other bloody at night. You have to be especially deranged to reach this level of insanity, and I'm not kidding here.

I know the poor beaten boy. He's my classmate, to tell you the truth. He's spoilt and clean and everything, but he's like the shyest guy I have ever seen; always sits at a corner and blushes every time he's addressed to. It's kind of cute, I admit it, but I cannot imagine a reason why anybody would want to beat him bloody like that.

I watch some bulky guys blocking him and the other guy walks toward him. I walk down the heel, trying to do something about this, when someone grabs me from behind and yanks me back. I'm about to shot when a hand covers my mouth and asks me to shut up. It takes a few moments, but I finally do what I'm told and stop trying to scream.

"You don't wanna go there, dude. They'll beat you, too and enjoy it."

I try to see my attacker's face, but it's hard in the dark of the night and the guy's hair is on his face anyway, covering his eyes.

"Come on. Let's get out of here."

He doesn't wait for me to say anything; grabs the front of my shirt and yanks me forward, like I'm a dog or something, but I don't say a word; I'm afraid the teachers might notice us, and then we'll be in real trouble.

He seems to think the same, 'cause he gestures with his hands for me to bend down, and I do so and we walk toward the back of the building. I stumble a few times in the bushes and I think he glares at me a few times, but it's too dark to be sure, and I stick my tongue out at him, but I'm not sure if he sees it or not.

And then I see the ladder. He walks up and asks me to do the same. I'm not too fond of heights, to be honest, but I don't want to look like a coward so I grab the edge and start to climb slowly, too afraid to look at anything but the guy's black shoes above my head. He reaches the roof after a few scary minutes and then he grabs my elbows and hollers me up, and then we're on the roof, and boy, it's so beautiful.

I don't wanna sound like a girl or anything, but the moon is above us and the stars are above us and all the people are under our feet. The building isn't really high or anything, but it feels so good to be above the others that I can't bring myself to care.

"Ryuichi Sakuma,"

The guy suddenly says and extends his hand, a huge grin lighting up his eyes, and I involuntarily grin back and shake his hand. It sounds crazy, I know, but he smells a little like home, and I feel better already.

"Shuichi Shindou"

I say and finally release his hand, and look at his face under the light of the stars. He feels so fresh that I cheer up immediately, and I suddenly have this urge to start to talk, but I don't do it, 'cause he starts to talk before me.

"I know. You're a Ninth grader. I'm in the eleventh." He says and walks even closer, his eyes getting serious.

"You should fall on your knees and thank me right now. I saved your from a freaking serious trouble."

He says and I just look back at him, not knowing what to say.

"Aizawa is…trouble. It's like a ritual they have every Wednesdays, hitting the newcomers, bribing money, making them their bitches. You don't wanna be involved in this. I promise you."

"What about the headmaster?" I ask. The guy's like a hawk. He notices _everything_.

"Tohma doesn't care. Aizawa's family is filthy rich; his bloody gang, too. Tohma expels them, lots of money stops coming in; no money means no school, and he doesn't want that to happen."

"So rich guys beat small guys and nobody does anything about it."

"Yup, and you don't wanna be on either side, I promise you."

I feel like I should vomit or something, but I haven't eaten dinner and it doesn't seem like a nice thing to do, so I start to hum a song instead, an old habit of mine, and try to forget about what I just heard. I always do that when I don't like something, you know. Works most of the time; keeps me sane.

"I heard you the other night, you know."

He whispers suddenly and I try to think what he's talking about, 'cause Mom always says I say stupid things all the time, but I can't remember saying anything to anybody in the past bloody week.

"Eh," I say, but no other words come out. Maybe I should apologize or something, I think to myself, but he starts to talk again, and saves me from saying anything stupid now.

"You were playing the piano, and you were singing some nice song. You're lucky the teachers didn't hear you. You'd be in real trouble. You're not to suppose to play after the lights out, but I heard you and I think it was awesome."

I blink a few times and look at his eyes behind those bangs, tying to see if he's kidding or not, but his eyes are large and bright and he seems to be honest. I smile and nod.

"It's one of my favorite songs, you know."

He smiles back then and walks even closer, I can smell his cologne, but I don't step back, 'cause he really smells good.

"I sing, too, sometimes." he whispers, as if he's revealing a big secret, and I nod again, feeling like I should talk.

"That's…that's great." I want to say a lot of other things, but I don't know where to begin. It's almost like I've forgotten how to talk I the past week, and here he is, this Ryuichi guy, and I feel like this place isn't as bad as I thought it would be at first, and maybe I should postpone my escape plan for a while.

Ryuichi sits on the edge and stares at the road leading to the city, his back to the gang of people below us.

"My father doesn't like it much. He thinks I should focus on my studies. You know how parents are, but singing… it's like going to another world. It feels so…liberating. Ha! I don't know what I'm saying anymore!" He scratches the back of his neck and nervously laughs.

I know what he means though, not about parents wanting you to study. I mean the singing part, 'cause I feel the same, and it feels good.

I sit next to him and swing my legs backward and forward, but I don't look down.

"Can you sing right now?" I ask him and surprise us both. It kinda came out of my mouth. It happens a lot, you know. It's like I don't have any control over my brain sometimes, but he seems pleased, so I don't apologize.

"You really wanna hear it?"

"Sure."

And he begins to sing. I'm no music teacher, but his voice is so strong and nice, and I feel warm inside, so I guess he must be really good. I haven't heard the song before, but it's really pleasant and I learn the lyrics after a few moments and start to sing with him. He smiles at me without stopping and I feel warmer inside.

We keep our voices low, so no one will hear us, but it still feels great and I think he feels the same, 'cause he doesn't want to stop and neither do I.

We finally stop though, and this time there's absolute silence. The guys are finally gone, I guess, and we say nothing. It's not uncomfortable though and my impulse of talking is gone too, thank God.

I secretly look at him, and I feel warm again, as if I'm back in the farm once more. He turns his head and looks at me. I guess he remembers something good, too, 'cause his eyes shine and he winks.

"We'll make a good singing team, ha?"

He says and stares at the road far away from the school area. I say nothing as I listen to the roars of the cars passing by every few moments.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

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	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Gravitation.

**Warning**: This story will deal with dark themes later on. Violence, explicit sex scenes, sadomasochism, pain and blood. It's rated M for a reason, people! It's also slash. Beware!

**SUMMERY**: AU. Set in 1959, in a boarding school where fate brings together a student who is trying to find a meaning in life and a teacher who is trying to take revenge on a past forgotten. Violence, Drama, war themes and Slash. Yuki X Shuichi

* * *

**Chapter Two**

I skipped the Literature class, which was a big risk, considering I already had a bad reputation for missing classes, but they had no teacher to teach literature yet, and the old math teacher would come to the class instead and stare at us for two solid ours, daring us to make one little mistake, and sitting motionless like that was seriously impossible for me. How others could do it was beyond me.

I decided to go to Ryuichi's room instead, all the while being careful not to be seen by anybody. Ryuichi is perhaps the best thing that has happened to me in this cemetery. He's so different from others that I sometimes think that maybe he's not real and I have finally gone insane after all. It's actually probable, but his roommate, his name is Hero I think, sees him as well, so the chance of me making him up in my mind is quite slim.

I don't know much about him, to tell you the truth. He doesn't talk much about his family; sometimes he mentions his dad though, and I think his voice trembles, but I can't be sure. His pranks are fantastic, and no one ever catches him! He's that amazing. We have this schedule; at ten when everybody's supposed to be asleep, though nobody ever is, he bangs at my room's window and I get out of there. It might be difficult for someone big to get out of that window, but I'm quite short, and it comes in handy every once in awhile. My roommate always shakes his head in this disappointed manner, but he's not a tattletale or anything, and so we go out and Ryuichi shows me all the secret places he's found during the last two years of his stay, and we splash paint on the teachers' cars and all sorts of crazy things. It's really fun.

I stand at his door for some time, but decide not to go in the end. It happens a lot to me, changing my mind, I mean. I just can't seem to make up my mind about anything. It happened after I came to the city. Everything is so haphazard here; one loses the ability to think anymore.

I see the guy I saw in the bathroom last night and he passes me by in a hurry, probably because he has slept in and is late for his class. Why he's bothering, I don't know. There's only twenty minutes left till lunch. He doesn't see me, but I feel my face heat up anyway. You might ask yourself why. Well, the truth is, I saw him shaving last night; he's a twelfth grader and has a beard and everything, and he was standing in front of the mirror with a towel around his waist and I was just looking at him and his chest when, well, this thing happened to me, and now I'm really worried about myself.

It's not the first time, to be honest. Once Kano's niece stayed over at our new house for some time, and I used to think about his eyes and his smile all the time, and I spent the worst five mornings of my life ever, waking up with the sheets soaked and everything. It was horrible.

And now I'm beginning to get worried about myself, 'cause I remember my uncle when I was maybe six or seven, and he used to live with us, 'cause Grandma and Grandpa were dead and Dad used to take care of him, and he used to hang around with this guy. I don't remember much of his face, but Uncle liked him a lot and they were always together, and one day there was hell in our house, Mom was crying and Dad was so upset; he carried on saying something about sodomy and how God would never forgive us all, and then uncle ran away and they hanged the guy by a tree the morning after.

And it's Aizawa's favorite word anyway. He calls anybody he doesn't like a fag and I'm not an idiot, and so I know I'm not supposed to talk about this to any-

Ouch!

I fall on the floor with a loud bang. I think I hit a wall, but I look up and there is this tall guy looking down at me, and I'm sure I have never seen him before around here, because he has blonde hair, and nobody here has blonde hair here and he's still looking at me and it's pretty weird. I take a glance at his black suit and his tie that's hanging loosely from his neck and I think perhaps he's a parent or something.

I want to apologize 'cause I think it was my fault, but he takes a final glance at me and then turns around and leaves, walking toward the headmaster's office.

I get up and rub my aching ass. Aw, that hurt really bad, damn it! Why do I have to be so blind? I hear the bell ring, and then the faint sound of students, getting louder and louder as they get closer to the lunch room, and my stomach grumbles loudly. About time. I was dying of hunger.

It turns out that the guy I ran into is in fact our new literature teacher. The headmaster introduces him to us after dinner. I don't know if I've told you this before or not, but the teachers eat dinner with the students; they want us to feel united and everything, and now the new teacher is sitting at the corner of the dining table at the end of the hall, legs crossed, a cigarette hanging from his lips and looking bored.

And everybody's looking at him, 'cause it's pretty weird to have a young teacher like him around here. Every teacher in this school is a fossil and now they are looking at him from the corners of their eyes, probably feeling jealous that he's healthy and handsome and they're not.

"He's related to Tohma Seguchi." Fujisaki tells me under his breath, and I look at him with wide eyes, probably because it's the first time he's addressed me in the past twenty days. Yeah, he's _that_ quiet.

"His name is Eiri Yuki. Used to be a student here, but moved to Europe with his family before World War II. They all died during the war." I admire the way Fujisaki talks about Eiri Yuki, without any trace of emotion in his voice or his eyes, as if it really doesn't matter the guy's whole family were dead.

I look at the man and think I can relate to how he feels. My family isn't dead of course, but we're not a family anymore, if you know what I mean, and it feels like a hole in your heart that will never be filled again, no matter what you do.

He looks at my direction all of a sudden and catches me staring at him, and I can't be sure, but I think I see a smile smirk on his lips, and my face heats up all of a sudden and I look away hurriedly, my elbow hitting Fujisaki's glass of water and water splashes on the table, effectively ruining the table cloth. The guys around me groan and send me deathly glares, but I stare at the half full plate in front of me and don't look up until I'm sure he's out of the hall.

* * *

"I'm not sure if it's such a good idea, Ryuichi."

I tell him for probably the hundredth time as he drags me toward the house on the side of the street. This is the third time we have left the school area and have come to the city. I love to get out of there, but this is a kind of risk I don't feel comfortable making, 'cause if they find out, they'll throw us out. Not that I personally care, but I'm pretty sure that Mom will and she'll cry and everything and Kano will probably feel like that he's wasted his money on me and will hate me more than he already does, if it's possible and I don't see how things could get any worse.

"But I have a surprise for you. You'll love it!" and it's hard to say no to Ryuichi when he's all happy and excited like this, and I feel pretty excited too, wondering what could be in the house that Ryuichi is so eager about it.

We reach the house, and I rub my hands together, happy that we can go somewhere warm finally and get rid of the fall's wind.

Ryuichi gives me a mischievous grin and opens the door with a small golden key. I look at him as he pushes the old wooden door open and all the while wonder what could be in this old house.

I don't know much about Tokyo, but I know enough to realize that where we are, is not were the elites are supposed to live, but Ryuichi didn't seem to mind at all and I trust him.

The hallway is dark and damp and the stairs squeak with every step we take.

"You have no idea what's waiting for you, Shuichi. This is gonna be the best night of your life." And he grabs my elbow and pulls me up the stairs.

"Hello, ladies", he says as he walked in the room. I can't see at first, but then the room is illuminated by candle lights and there are three girls standing at a corner wearing…almost nothing, and I suddenly know what is about to happen.

I have an urge to hide behind Ryuichi's back, or better yet, turn around and get the hell out of here, but that would seem like a cowardly thing to do, so I stay and look at the girls instead with their dyed blonde hair and big breasts and high heels, and I wonder how this night is going to end.

"Ryuichi, darling, how nice of you to come here!" One of the girls says as she walks toward Ryuichi with swaying hips, and Ryuichi smiles and opens his arms wide, inviting her in, letting her plant a wet kiss on his neck ,and my face drains of color. Oh, boy, what am I gonna do now?

"This is Barbie, and she's the sweetest girl I have ever seen," Ryuichi turns his head toward me and winks, and I dumbly nod in reply, not knowing how to react. The other girls walk toward us as well, and I hear Ryuichi telling me their names, but I'm too bewildered by their close presence to pay attention to the words. The girls seem uncomfortable by my presence as well, because they stop their flirting with Ryuichi and give me a look, waiting for me to say something, but my throat is dry and my lips seem to be glued to each other, and I try to focus only on their faces and don't glance at anything below their necks that are covered with fake necklaces and lots of powder.

"This is Shuichi, ladies, and you gonna love him tonight." He says and walks toward me, dropping his hand around my shoulder and nudges me forward and I stiffen immediately, my heart beating fast.

"You have to forgive him. He's a little bit shy."

"Maybe we can warm him up a little." The youngest girl who has pretty black eyes and is wearing the reddest lipstick I have ever seen walks toward me, her footsteps echoing in the room and I swallow, not knowing what to say or do.

"You know what? That's an excellent idea." Ryuichi screams suddenly and pushes me toward the other side of the room. I wonder for a moment who owns this place, but forget the rest of my thought as Ryuichi shows me an old piano at the corner of the room.

"Shuichi is an excellent player. Why don't you play a tune for us?" and he nudges me toward the chair. I sit and stare dumbly at the keys covered with dirt and dust, not knowing what to do. The girls seem to be interested as well. They walk toward us and stand next to Ryuichi, waiting for me to play.

It takes some time, but my fingers finally begin to move. Melodies fill the room, but I'm not listening to what I'm playing, my mind too preoccupied with what is happening around me and my nose filled with the stifling smell of cheap cologne and damp.

And from the corner of my eyes I see Ryuichi leaning on the wall with two girls standing next to him. Unbuttoning his shirt, running her painted finger nails all over his naked skin and my stomach churns.

The other girl with the pretty eyes walks toward me and smiles. I don't smile back; my whole face feels numb; she doesn't seem to mind, however. She kneels next to me and rests her hands on my belt. I miss a few noted but nobody seems to mind.

She's busy unbuckling my belt and I try my hardest not to look down; not to think about what is happening and what it all means. I can hear Ryuichi moaning and I swallow again.

And a sudden sense of terror suddenly fills me, not so much because of what is happening but more because of how I feel nothing. How her cold hands feel alien on my naked skin, and I wonder if they'll know, and then the rest of the school will know and then Mom and Dad will know and I will have to run away, never showing my face to anybody ever again.

I stop playing, my hands resting on the piano and sweat pouring down my forehead, the girl has stopped moving her hands, realizing that it doesn't seem to work on me the way it works on Ryuichi, but I refuse to look at her eyes.

I want to scream at Ryuichi and get the hell out of here, but he seems to be enjoying what's happening too much. I can tell by the words that leave his mouth and the girls' giggles in response.

Time is frozen and that's when the door suddenly opens and the room grows silent. I turn my head toward the door, sweaty bangs clinching to my forehead and there is a man in an army uniform standing at the door way, his eyes glued to Ryuichi and nothing else.

Everybody seems to feel the presence of fear. All head turn to Ryuichi then, who is standing naked by the wall, his nude body shining under the light of the candle, but his face looks paler than I have ever seen before, and by the next word that he utters, I know that we're going to be in real trouble this time.

"Dad."

**To Be Continued…**


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